I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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