i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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