Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
