If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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