First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
