He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
