I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
