She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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