Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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