Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
