Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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