Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
