I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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