I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
