"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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