I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
