I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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