I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
