Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
