She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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