my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
