dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
