If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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