my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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