i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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