I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
