At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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