apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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