your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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