Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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