Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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