My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You pole danced in your parka.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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