If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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