The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
