life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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