Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
All the doctor said was why
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
