3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish my penis had an off switch
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i came on her dog
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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