shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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