dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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