I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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