you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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