i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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