I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
