they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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