Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
