Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
