sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
