i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
