you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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