video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize