We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
