dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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