we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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