Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
